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How to Avoid “Hit and Run” Guys

Have you ever had whiplash from a guy?  He comes on really fast.  But, then he runs away even faster?

In the beginning, he can’t get enough of you.  You’re the most important thing in his world.  But, once you’re really in the relationship, he backs off.  He stops being so attentive.  Eventually he loses interest all together.  And it’s just a matter of time before he walks out the door.  And you’re left wondering, “What just happened?”

You Got “In” and He Got “Out”

You might have tried to put the brakes on in the beginning.  But, he bowled you over with attention and affection.  He was really persistent.  And eventually he won you over.  You gave in.  You decided to give the relationship a chance.  But, a funny thing happened.  Just when you got “in” the relationship, he got “out.”

“The Faster He Comes On, The Faster He’ll Go Away”

I once heard, “The faster they come on the faster they’ll go away.” And it’s true.  Because, in the beginning of a relationship, it’s still infatuation and hormones.  And you may be a completely awesome person.  But, he doesn’t know that yet.  Because he  doesn’t really know you yet.  So, he’s not really falling in love with you.  He’s falling in love with a fantasy of you.  That’s why as soon as the infatuation starts to wear off (usually around 3-6 months into the relationship), he’ll start to lose interest.  Because now, you’re becoming a real person.  And no matter how great you are, you’ll never measure up to his fantasy.

He Likes Chasing You More Than Catching You

Men who come on really strong at first are usually more interested in the pursuit than the actual relationship.  They like chasing you.  They like wanting you.  You’re a challenge.  But, they don’t actually want you.  That’s why they lose interest once you become interested.  Somehow, you become less valuable in their eyes.  That’s why it’s so easy for them to just walk away.  They’re eager to start chasing their next fantasy.

Some Men May Not Be Relationship Material

Granted men don’t have that same nesting thing that most women have.  And there’s also probably some fears of intimacy buried in there.  But with these guys, it’s buried so deep, they’re probably not even aware of it.  And there are some personality types (Keirsey-Bates, 1984) who prefer to “keep their options open,”  which can cause them to “chafe” with commitment.  Maybe with “hit and run” guys, these things are all rolled into one package.  All I know is — the best way to deal with them is to avoid them in the first place.

How to Avoid the “Hit and Run” Guys

Andy Whaling, MFT (2001) recommends ways to slow yourself down and really get to know him before falling for him.  He says it helps screen out the “sharks” and “players” who aren’t really interested in or capable of a real relationship.   Andy suggests:

  • Date 3 people at a time
  • Space your dates 3 weeks apart
  • Don’t get physical (Andy says a “good-night” kiss is okay. But, Louann Brizendine (2006) says women can get attached with a 20 second hug, so watch out!)

A Quality Guy Will Want You More

Only after the infatuation wears off do you know what he’s really like.  Andy says anyone can keep up an act for a time.  But, only after about 6 months do you know if he is actually who he appears to be and if he is a quality person or not.  And a quality guy won’t lose interest after he really gets to know you.  He’ll actually value you and love you more.  Because, now you’re his.

(Guys – I know there are “hit and run” women out there.  They’re all over you in the beginning, but then they lose interest.  But, I wasn’t sure if they fit the “hit and run” guy pattern.  I’d love to hear your stories.)

References:

Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.

Gorski, T. (1993). Getting Love Right: Learning the choices of healthy intimacy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Keirsey, D. & Bates, M. (1984). Please Understand Me: Character & temperament types. Del Mar, California: Prometheus

Whaling, A. (2000-2002). Sunday Night Singles. Pasadena, CA.

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

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