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When You Can Forgive Yourself, It’s Easier to Forgive Your Ex, May 7, 2011

Let me start by saying I’m not a big pusher of forgiveness. I think it comes if it comes after a lot of anger.

When you’ve been hurt, you grieve.  And part of the grieving process is the anger.

But, what’s usually underneath the anger is the pain and the sadness. When you can allow yourself to feel those feelings, that’s when you can begin to heal.

So, if you’re angry at your ex, that’s normal and healthy. It means he (or she) really hurt you.

Where I get more concerned is when you turn the anger on yourself.  Because THAT CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE.

It’s important to look at “your part,” so it doesn’t happen again. But, it’s also important to remember you did the best you could at the time. Sometimes it helps to…

  • Be gentle with yourself (you’re feeling bad enough already)
  • Remember — if you feel your feelings they won’t last forever (time + grieving = healing)
  • Reach out to people who do love and support you (so you don’t get overwhelmed by the pain)
  • Let yourself do something that brings you joy or takes your mind off your feelings for a bit (you don’t have to feel all your feelings all at once)

When you can be gentle with yourself, you begin to forgive yourself. Then your feelings about your Ex won’t have as much power over you. Then you can start moving forward so you can find someone who will really love you.

If you’d like to find out more about How to Forgive Your Ex and Yourself, join me for our next relationship seminar, Saturday, May 7th, 2011.

Vonda (“Vondie”) Lozano, Ph.D., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Hypnotherapist. She’s been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Vondie offers hypnosis, counseling, and workshops in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard.

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