Marriage Counseling in Ventura, California 

I’ve been helping married couples for over 30 years. And I’ve learned – when you understand what’s actually happening underneath all the fighting, things can really change.

Part of what I do is “translate.” I help you hear what you’re really trying to say to each other. Especially with men. Nothing personal men – but sometimes men can be trying really hard and still be bad at relationships and bad communicators.

Think about it – for most of human history, men’s job was to kill things (food and other men) and women’s job was to raise little people alongside other women. So women have become better at connecting and communicating. As Louann Brizendine says in The Female Brain, women have a “superhighway” for words and men have a superhighway for… sex. But, that’s something we can talk about later.

But, this is how it usually works, one of you says something that’s a 2 on the annoying scale and the other person reacts like it’s a 10! That tells me it’s hitting something deeper – old wounds usually from childhood that need to be explored and healed.

I’ll ask, when have you felt this before? And everyone always says “he/she” does this to me all the time. And I ask again, when did you feel this growing up??? And then we gently explore what the current argument or situation is hitting, what vulnerable or painful place is getting hurt again. And as you experience those hard feelings together with love and support from me and your partner – two amazing things happen: 1) you begin to heal so you are not so easily triggered and 2) your partner develops compassion for what you’ve been through. And they NEVER want to make you feel that way again.

Then you’re no longer enemies with “every man for himself.” Now you have each other’s back!

That’s how we heal those old tender places together. That’s how “we don’t just heal relationships – we create relationships that heal.” (Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy)

And it REALLY works.

Together, we’ll look at the different dynamics making it hard for you to connect – your family-of-origin patterns, your personality differences, how men and women really are wired differently, plus whatever is happening that is unique to you and your situation.

It’s like we’re putting together the puzzle of what makes each of you – YOU! And the really tricky part is seeing how  your individual puzzle pieces interlock – mostly for good, but sometimes for bad – like when you trigger each other. 

But, when you heal those old wounds, you aren’t triggered so easily. And you start having compassion for what you’ve both been through. You develop a deep level of trust that comes from really knowing each other and wanting to protect each other.

Then you begin to enjoy each other again. You remember how much you like each other and you remember why you fell in love.

That’s the kind of marriage you deserve. And it’s not impossible.  It’s actually pretty straightforward when you know what to do.

What’s Really Possible

Most couples who stick with the work go from the worst place in their marriage to being closer than when they first met. Why? Because they’ve addressed those underlying issues that were making it hard for them to connect. And deep down that’s what all that fighting is really about. You want to be close, but you aren’t sure if it’s safe. But, when you know your partner has your best interest at heart, you can work things out without it turning into a big fight. Because you trust that your partner really wants what’s best for you. And you want what’s best for them too. 

You develop what’s called “Earned Secure Attachment” – a deep, responsive, loving, committed relationship. You function as a securely attached couple even if you didn’t have secure attachments growing up. Now you use your partner as your secure attachment – home base, your place of security. Then it’s “us against the world.” Because you’ve created an unbreakable bond that can withstand most anything. 

Why Work with Me?

• Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1991 – 30+ years experience
• Doctorate in Marriage and Family Studies – in addition to my Marriage and Family Therapy License
• Full-time Undergraduate Psychology Professor for 9 years in the Los Angeles area and taught graduate students becoming therapists for 7 years
• Authored relationship book and ebooks – including Finding Mr. Right and How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future
• Featured expert in the Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, LA Parent Magazine, and KABC Talk Radio
• Presentations and workshops over 30 years because I genuinely love helping you understand how relationships work

But here’s what really matters: I’m happily married (in a very good imperfect marriage). And I’ve done my own therapy, recovery, and marriage counseling too. A therapist can’t give what they don’t have. In other words – I can’t help you have a good loving secure attachment relationship if I don’t know how to do it myself.

But that’s what we do together. You learn to trust me and I help you heal yourselves and your relationship. With loving, honest support, you develop that “earned-secure attachment” that we’re all really looking for.

Ready to Save Your Marriage?

Call me today. Why wait?

(805) 585-0838

Serving Ventura County – including Ventura, Oxnard, Camarillo, and surrounding areas. 

My office: 260 Maple Court Suite 127 in Ventura (around the corner from the Pacific View Mall). I see couples Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

Free consultation: I’d love to chat with you for 10-15 minutes to find out how I can help.